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I feel like I've been asking myself that question to some degree for the last 12 or so years. During that time I've spent WAY too long at a community college, gotten married, and finally decided to bit the now-or-never bullet and go back to school to get a BA. Still lacking direction, I chose a BA in Sociology. After all, I love everything from history to anthropology and the way people interact. I didn't know until a year ago that I was interested in politics (though not politicians or the flawed process of carrying out the law).

If I could do anything I'd make ceramic sculpture, but I know that to be a very perilous path and have decided not to attempt to follow it. When people (at school) ask me what I want to do, I still don't know. The closest answer I can get to is "write". I'd also like to do something that matters. I vaguely imagine that a job at UNICEF, the EFF, or heck the Discovery Channel (pre-their stance on Taxi to the Dark Side) would be good. DemocracyNow!, a Museum, an ethical FEMA?

So my adviser says to me, "you should go to grad school". This wasn't something I'd thought about. My options would be limited. Rather in fact. Moving is not an option. That leaves me with a school whose programs don't interest me and another whose programs do, but honestly can I 1. get in (my grades now are excellent, but my community college days were mediocre) and 2. get funding. Yet another rub, is that I'd have to quit my job. As things stand right now, this would not be livable. Other things would need to change first. So, imagining that all these hurdles are cleared with ease...

What would be the point of getting an MA or PhD? Unless the world and my place in it changes greatly, I won't be moving to a larger or job friendly area. What would I do after the 2 to 7 years it would take me to complete said degree? Teach? Write? What else? I'm not sure I can take a blind leap without some better idea of the possibilities, but if I stay at the present job it will kill my soul.

And yes, I know this sounds a lot like an older post - obviously it's a recurring theme...

For once I read about something elsewhere and a week earlier, than it appeared in DemocracyNow. Still, DN always has great interviews and voices that you don’t normally hear in the mainstream or at such length.

I am particularly interested in this story about drugs in the water supply because water concerns me at work. I’m up to my eyeballs in e. Coli water test results these days. My customers ask for the 5 geometric mean of most recent results, others want the results before they’ll take the product. One customer came out to inspect our fields to see if we were in accordance with the Leafy Greens Metrics for buffer zones from grazing cattle, etc. Nevermind that this particular company wants more strict buffers, etc and there is no scientific guidance for this.

So what will they want next? We test for generic e. Coli, sometimes e. Coli 0157:H7, sometimes salmonella… the coolers test for all these things and several others in the water that makes ice. We have to test pre-harvest water, post harvest water, the water that mixes with pesticides and fertilizers… I’ve read what the EPA tests for (MANY things) – so when do we start having to test for prescription and illicit drugs? Where does it end? And why did no one ever realize that things go in cycles and have to go somewhere? There are pesticides in everything we eat, even if it’s organic or you raise it yourself. There is corn in everything we eat. Know what else it probably in the water? Vitamins. The dry tablet form that most people take doesn’t all stay in your system – most of it comes back out (visibly if you're paying attention). Even if they are removing that stuff, where does the residue go? What do they do with it?

I was watching the Colbert Report last week and they had Dean Kamen on the show. He has  invented a vapor compression distiller that can make clean water from sewage, seawater or poison without any filters, chemicals or membranes. It seemed amazing. I’ve read in a few blogs that there is a power source concern, but some say that it is equipped to run on several alternate energy sources. But is the water safe to drink? Can’t seem to find anything on Kamen that isn’t from Colbert.

I was hoping to figure out what I could to do with my degree (BA in Sociology) while I was working on it. It's not a lot of help to me in my current job. I knew it wouldn't be, of course. Which makes it more for myself than anything. That is fine in some ways, but it's also a waste. Then there is my job. Horrible, yet frequently challenging (though often for all the wrong reasons, thanks to the petty tyrants). I keep thinking that I've learned all about things I don't want to do. And yet I'm still doing them.

My adviser has suggested several times that I keep going to school. I've looked up the local programs and if I did go, it could be another 5 to 7 years of school. I'd have to quit my job, get a part time job, cut my mom loose (she had a disabling on the job injury and I've been supporting her. Now she is going to start working on her MA - am I going to keep my bad job to support her going to school?), and live on less. My husband would have to step up. We'd probably never own a house. Then I look at it another way - I keep the job to get the pay that allows me to support my mom. She needs help, but frankly, she chould do more to support herself. If I bought a house I wouldn't be able to quit (I've wiggled myself into good pay after 8 years and there really are no equivalent jobs locally - small town).

I could go to school and do something enjoyable (maybe teach and write after) or I could keep my future-less job. It's only the rest of my life.

And as I write this I am procrastinating in writing the first draft of my senior project....

And one of those is a break! Yes, in 2 weeks I will be finished with my senior project (then it's one class remaining until graduation). I can't WAIT to have that one week off. I hear that the second half of he project actually isn't that bad, but with my luck it will be. I'm pretty good at making the "easy" things hard.

Take my project, for example. I could have gone with the causes and solutions to something like a poor educational system or gender discrimination, both of which have some element that get people fired up, but no - I had to choose political apathy, which by definition, isn't exactly exciting. I've got about 2 weeks to make it exciting. I'm not tired of the subject, it's interesting, but I need to come up with some zip!

I'm really not interested in graduating in the silly cap about gown. The degree means something to me, but it's not like this is a sure-fire way for me to get a better job. I was hoping to figure something out, but I also didn't expect to go such a political route. I blame my adviser for that. Yeah, that's right, I made things hard on myself by choosing a senior project topic in his area of expertise. So anyway, the cap and gown thing doesn't do anything for me. It didn't in high school, it didn't when I graduated from the local JC. Heck, I've attended the graduation ceremony of a relative who got his doctorate. There's only one way I could top that!

I attended a Mexican Catholic Funeral a couple days ago. The man who died, Manuel, was simply one of the nicest, most genuine people I've met, though I did not know him well. He had lived in the little town of G_____ all of his life and had worked at T_____ for 30 of his 48 years. His death was sudden.

Not being Catholic, I didn't have much frame of reference for how the services would go, except that there would be a lot of standing, sitting, kneeling, some singing. Not understanding much Spanish, I only knew when they were saying God, Jesus, life, death, love, brother, etc. I did figure out when they were saying the lord's prayer. One might think that the services were lost on me, but they certainly weren't. I didn't know when to say certain things, or stand, but I don't often feel such a part of things. When his wife got up to say a few words, she read her speech in Spanish. It was not long, but I understood enough to get the idea. She broke down near the end, recovered, and finished. Then she read the same speech in English. She broke down in the same spot. I kept thinking what a strong woman she is. Amazing strength.

That was the first time I have willingly attended a church service in many years and one at which I felt no pressure to believe, no pressure to convert, just genuine love and collective sadness. The church was standing room only. Only when I was headed to the graveside with a couple people, who I have worked with for several years and had previously worked with Manuel for many more, did I feel that usual "Christian pressuring." The two of them are not Catholic, but come from that branch of Christianity (fundamentalism) that breeds comments like, "did you know so-and-so goes to First Christian?" the reply being, "no, that's too bad, I've been trying to get him to attend The New Church now for a couple years." Just one of the reasons I reject religion.

The graveside portion of the service saw the crowd almost double. One friend commented that if you went to lunch with Manuel and saw 20 people, he would stop to say hi to 20 people, because everyone knew him. There were jokes that he was the unofficial mayor of G____. After the graveside ceremony, there was a huge reception, a BBQ, held by his employer. The room for seating was filled to capacity and the line to come in was steady when I left to make room for others. There was a photo we had taken of him during shooting for an ad campaign. We had it blown up and framed for his wife the day after he died. She said that we had unknowingly given her a beautiful copy of the photo of him that she loved best. I am so glad that we were able to do that for her. He will be missed.

It can be tough to figure out what you want to do for a living. For me it has to be something that will make me happy. Without getting into all my particulars, let's just say that I  am interested in many things, fairly organized, always willing to learn / help / get things done that others weasel out of. I like to write (and do so pretty well). I'm creative. I don't like corporate BS, busy work or having to redo my work because some manager can't decide how things should be presented until AFTER the project is complete.

After many years of just getting by I decided to bite the bullet and finish my BA. I chose Sociology because it interested me, but also because there was a local program that had evening classes. At one time I would have liked to get an English degree. If I could simply spend my life making pottery I would. So I'm working my way through this degree and when I'm finished I'll have the same job. This degree is for me. I hunt the job boards, local JC, school districts, etc., and I can't find a job goal other than "not what I'm doing now." 

As ever, I feel that I lack the connections with people and the community to find what's out there. Everything I see and they aren't jobs that would even later turn into something I'd like) cut my current pay in half. Do I have outlandish expectations? Do I have a bad attitude? Am I already in the best place I can be?

I'd like to think that I could go on in school, but if I can't come up with a real, viable, career goal, how can I justify the time and money?

I've got 5 classes left, then graduation in August. Damn. And it only took me 6-ish years to finally get my butt back into school. Yes, I should have done it much sooner. I could have done it maybe 4 years sooner. Two more classes under my belt this term and two more A's (pats self on the back). The next two terms are senior project time. The instructor is my adviser and I know he won't make it easy. Cringe.

I know a lot of people who still haven't managed to finish school. Not even junior college. Don't get me wrong, that's fine, it's a decision. What isn't fine are the ones who say they want to finish, but think the way will simply open up to them. It won't. It's not easy (though you don't have to make it that hard). There is a process, a paperwork game, and you have to play it. You'll never just have enough money; you have to sell your soul to the loan folks. Do it. I don't know if this degree will get me a better job when I'm finished, but it is worth it none the less. If you want to get back in school find a way!

I'm making booze, rather, a mixed drink component that has largely fallen into the dusty, musty, recesses of time. Falernum. It's rum based. My first attempt came from EGullet. I altered it slightly right off the bat.

In a small covered container place the Rum, Cloves, Almond Extract and Lime Peel. Set aside for about 18-24 hours.

In a 2 quart jar mix Sugar and Water. Shake it up every once in a while. By the time the marinade is done, the sugar will have dissolved.

Strain the Rum Marinade into the sugar water. Taste. The almond flavor should be barely detectable, but it should be there. If you can't taste it at all, add another drop or two of Almond Extract.

Then I found this excellent site (Cocktail Chronicles), where you can find numerous entries on falernum. This time, I'm using their falernum #8 as my basis. As you can see if you check out their site, they are using better quality ingredients.

1c white rum (I used Bacardi)

40 whole cloves

about 1/4 cup slivered almonds, toasted (stir constantly in a hot pan and remove from heat promptly)

zest of 9 medium limes, removed with a microplane grater or sharp vegetable peeler, with no traces of white pith

1 1/2 ounce, by weight, peeled, julienned fresh ginger

1:1 simple syrup made in cold process

Add whole cloves and toasted almonds to the rum. Cover and let marinade for two days. On third day add lime zest and grated ginger. (Both of these items will dissolve in the rum if left too long.) Marinade two additional days. Strain through cheese cloth and squeeze to get all the oils possible. The almond flavor may not be apparent, so I might end up either adding more toasted almonds or a few drops of almond extract. Combine with simple syrup. A splash of fresh lime juice is recommended at the time you are mixing a drink.

I tried the "Corn and Oil" recipe on the Cocktail Chronicles site, which was pretty good. I used Mt. Gay rum.

If you like rum and are heading to Vegas, try the Rum Jungle. It's a nightclub, bar and restaurant. They make a mean Cuban sandwich. They have something like 150 kinds of rum and can mix you just about anything. I like the Dark and Stormy and watch out for Pain Kiler #2, Pain Killer #3 and Pain Killer #4.

This is a great book on the history of rum. It includes some recipes (and not all are for drinks) and a rum index, by area).

This film was basically brilliant. Not the type of fair Americans are used to. I don't want to give anything away, and it's not as if there is A plot for the movie, so no spoilers here. The movie is 18 5-minute shorts by famous writer/directors and featuring some American actors and more European actors.

What do that many scenes and directors have in common? Paris and some form of love. New love, old love, mothers and children, death, heartache, mimes, and a vampire. Personally, the second (or was it the third) spot was my favorite.

Makes me want to visit Paris.

I actually saw Shoot 'Em Up last weekend, but it has taken me until today to admit that.

If you see this movie, it's 86 minutes of your life you can't have back.

*** Some spoilers to follow ***

Don't be fooled. The action may have been choreographed by the master who did Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but it's not that great (and honestly, I'll take the wire-fu in Iron Monkey over Crouching Tiger, any day). It's not as cool as Sin City, though Clive Owen plays a similar character. This one is angrier and hates everything but carrots. Yes, I did laugh after the ludicrous falling air fight scene (again, Crank was better with this bit), when all the bad guys remains were strategically placed in identical positions around where our anti-hero landed. Now that I think about it, I love anti heroes in general, but hated Mel Gibson's character in Payback for his lack of humanity. Clive Owen's character didn't have enough character to have to worry about humanity or any other trait. Killing someone with a carrot (several someones) is not character.

If I was a slightly different person I would have been offended at the movie's opening. A fight scene and a birth all in one. Tasteful this movie is not. Well acted it is not. Visually pleasing and well scripted - nope. I've never left a movie so quickly once it was mercifully over. My husband said, "that was possibly the worst movie I've ever seen and I bet I enjoyed it more than you."